The more I have tried to find a serious and committed relationship, the more I have struggled. Maybe it’s just because I live in a shitty area, but I really don't like it. I had a terrible experience with an abusive man I had met in person so I moved almost strictly to dating apps. I had hoped that explicitly stating my goals as life partner, committed relationship, etc would filter out the men who would disrespect me or violate me like my ex boyfriend had. I was wrong. Instead I got creeps telling me I'm mature for my age, pressuring me for nudes despite not even knowing me (then proceeding to guilt trip me and have a meltdown when I didn't send any):
And another going as far as to even text me from another number trying to scare me:
The reason? He asked me to do something I wasn't ready to do with him yet, I told him to stop, he kept spamming me, and I blocked him.
Women don't really seem too much better, though. When I would seek out women on these applications, I would only see men, couples looking for a "unicorn", your generic TikTok/OnlyFans chick, or just women who want to experiment or hookup or whatever. I don't care what they do with their sex lives, but I can never find anybody who just wants a relationship and I just wish I could. No matter how hard I look around, I can never find another woman who wants a serious relationship.
Dating apps aside, it is extremely hard to find a woman I’d be willing to date in the real world. I had previously joined groups like my school’s GSA, but usually the people in these groups either have unbearable personalities or ridiculous identities and pronouns. I can never seem to find any normal same-sex attracted women because, from what I have heard, many of them dislike those groups for the same reasons I do. I am attracted to both butch and other femme presenting women but, unfortunately, we femmes tend to be indistinguishable from many straight women and butches almost seem to be nonexistent nowadays. I told myself that such women would be impossible to find, so I just continued to look for men.
I have never actually been in a same-sex relationship. My father is very conservative (don't think I love him any less, though; he is genuinely the most important person in my life even if we don't always see eye to eye), I have always been under pressure by society and by even myself to have children, and I have always told myself I'd regret not being with a man. I guess a lot of this feeling also comes from a sense of internalized homophobia. I feel like I need to be with a man because it's natural or whatever. I'd feel like I'm letting my family down if I did not have any children of my own. The list goes on. With all of these factors in mind, I have always told myself that I wanted-no, needed-a man. If only I had a good man, all of my problems would suddenly fade away. Because of this, I have always been under such extreme pressure and denial regarding my orientation.
I entered the straight dating world with nothing but the purest intentions. I felt like I was "special" because I embodied what incels constantly complain about not existing in modern women; I wanted to find the love of my life, settle down, start a family, and take care of my husband and children. I have always had a meek and submissive personality and I am still to this day extremely conservative about sex… yet they can't even appreciate that. Waiting for me to be ready to have sex is just a price no man is willing to pay. Who fucking cares about how I feel or if I'm uncomfortable, right? Nobody in today's world wants anything they actually have to wait for. It's just constant instant gratification everywhere you look. Whatever gives them the most immediate dopamine hit is all they’ll take.
I have always felt like there was something wrong with me for not wanting to sleep around or have sex the second I make eye contact with a man. Go on social media and you're bombarded with constant sex and pornography-whether it be explicit content or even just little references. Every joke's punchline relates to a sexual kink or fetish, extreme kinks are spoken about out in the open, and many conversations are all about sex. If you dislike extreme kinks such as violence, you will be harassed by the mobs. If you don't want to have sex, you're considered a prude. Virgin is also extremely commonly used as an insult. People always make such a huge deal about respecting what others do in their bedrooms, but will start mocking you and making fun of you if you voluntarily abstain from having sex. Or worse, they act like you can't truly be in love with somebody or live happily unless sex is involved. My abusive ex boyfriend told me that our relationship wouldn't last without intimacy because, of course, sex is the only viable form of intimacy or closeness. And of course I want to-or am entitled to, I should say-let them fuck me two weeks after even meeting them. They always make such a gigantic deal about not judging what happens in muh bedroom, but will bring it out of their bedroom and into public. Then they ironically go on to shame me for what I don't do in my bedroom.
I have had nothing but horrible experiences with men I met both through the internet and in real life. They never take no for an answer, never respect my boundaries in the name of seeing if we're compatible, and have never shown me any form of genuine love. All they want is to fuck me then leave. They’re all exactly the same and they’re too stupid to get it through their heads that the more they beg me to send nudes, have sex, or anything of that nature, the less I will want to.
I wouldn't be so bothered by this if these men had just been honest from the start, but they never have been and I doubt they ever will be. They love to lie about their intentions. They'll tell me that they want nothing more than to get married, start a family, etc. They have told me that they're willing to respect my boundaries and wait a very long time until I'm ready for intercourse (but give it a few days-or if I'm lucky, a week-and that suddenly changes lol every single fucking time). There are thousands upon thousands of women who love to hook up and love sex, yet they still go after me anyways. I hate it with every fiber of my being and these greasy porn addicted freaks can burn in hell for all I care.
Incels love to whine and moan about good women not existing and about how we're all whores etc. but I'm not a whore and they still treat me like a subhuman. Then they love to whine about how life is so unfair! and how they're just such a nice guy! How could any woman say no to someone like him? He's so great that all he does is watch porn, fantasize about raping and abusing women, and watch isekai anime with the loser self insert who magically reincarnates and gets tons of hot chicks out of the blue. They are so utterly delusional that they think not wanting an anime addict who contributes nothing to society is having unrealistic standards. I would know this because an incel had actually said this to me before.
With that in mind, I don't even know if pursuing a relationship with a man is worth it. I would rather die single, childless, and all alone than be violated again. I have always been convinced that I needed a man to serve or my life was meaningless and that I needed children or else I'd be letting my family down. But, if I have to go through hell any time I just search for a loving, wholesome relationship, then maybe it's just not worth it. I guess if there's a freak accident and I find a kind and genuine respectful guy, I'll be happy. I’d also be happy if I found a woman who shared my values. I'm just convinced neither even exist.
I don't know. Maybe I really will just die alone. No men seem to want a serious relationship anymore and women are so hard to find that I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it.